When someone who has HIV and someone who doesn’t have HIV date each other, some call that a serodiscordant relationship. “Sero-” comes from the word serum, and usually refers to HIV status. “Discordant” means not in alignment, or two things that aren’t the same.
Some people don’t like the term serodiscordant because “discordant” can mean “disagreeing”. Another term people can use is “magnetic relationships”. That’s because magnetic attraction is caused by a “negative” magnetic pole facing a “positive” magnetic pole!
Can a serodiscordant relationship work?
Yes! People living with HIV can have happy, healthy relationships with people who don’t have HIV — and vice versa! Not every relationship works out, but a difference in HIV status doesn’t have to be the reason why. People living with HIV can date, get married, and even be parents if they want to!
Some people might have concerns or anxieties about being in a relationship with someone who doens’t have the same HIV status. They might worry about the risk of the HIV-positive (or poz) partner giving HIV to the HIV-negative partner. Or, they might worry about stigma and people judging their relationship. They might worry about long-term goals like marriage or kids with a partner who has HIV. Some of these worries can apply to any chronic infection or health condition — not just HIV!
All of these feelings are okay to have. If you’re in a serodiscordant relationship, it can help to talk honestly with your partner about your concerns. No matter what your STI status is, you deserve a partner who values your health and safety!
HIV prevention in serodiscordant relationships
There are lots of ways for serodiscordant couples to make sure the HIV-negative partner doesn’t get HIV!
One way is for the partner who has HIV to have an undetectable viral load. HIV treatment involves taking medication every day to lower the person’s viral load. When the medication works, and they reach an undetectable viral load, they can’t give their partner HIV through sex. This is true even if they have sex without a condom! Sticking to a regular HIV treatment plan is a great way to prevent HIV in serodiscordant relationships.
Another way is for the HIV-negative partner to go on PrEP. PrEP stands for Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis. It’s a medicine that someone can take every day to prevent themselves from getting HIV. You can think of it as kind of like birth control, but for HIV!
People in serodiscordant relationships can also practice safer sex by using barriers like condoms and dental dams during sex. A dental dam is a thin sheet of latex that goes over the mouth, genitals, or anus during oral sex.
Not all serodiscordant relationships mean that one person is at risk for getting HIV. With communication, trust, and regular access to treatment, the risk of someone getting HIV in a serodiscordant relationship can be as low as zero! The important thing is to talk about and respect each others’ needs. That way, you can find sex that feels great on your own terms!
Can people in a serodiscordant relationship have kids? What about getting old together?
People in serodiscordant relationships can have kids, get married, and live long, healthy lives together. There are lots of ways for someone living with HIV to have children without giving them the virus! If someone with HIV gets pregnant, their doctor can help tailor their treatment during pregnancy. They can also develop a birth plan ahead of time to minimize the risk even more. Someone with an undetectable viral load can even chestfeed their baby and not give them HIV!
It can also help to know people with HIV can live just as long as people who don’t have HIV. That means if you’re in a long-term relationship with someone who’s poz, they’re not automatically going to die before you. You can still live a long and healthy life together!
Just because one partner has HIV, that doesn’t mean that common relationship milestones like marriage and kids can’t happen. Having HIV doesn’t have to stop someone who wants those things from having them. These milestones aren’t something everyone wants, and that’s okay too! HIV doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship that works for you — whatever that looks like.
What are some other things to think about in a serodiscordant relationship?
There’s no one way to feel about being in a serodiscordant relationship. What someone might need to think about depends on a lot of things:
- What does safer sex look and feel like for them?
- How can they best support their and their partners’ health and safety?
- How do their friends and family feel about HIV? What does their support network look like?
- What are their long-term goals in a relationship?
Because everyone is different, every relationship can look different, too. And that’s okay! The important thing is that everyone in the relationship feels safe, happy, and respected.
