Taking time to list what you want to do, you will do in the right situation, and you don’t want to do can help you understand yourself! It also makes it easier to talk about sex with partners. Want/will/won’t lists can help you find things that you’re both really excited to do! That makes it a helpful consent tool.
Making a want/will/won’t list can feel easier than thinking about things in the moment. The lists can also help you know what safer sex tools you need to feel comfortable. That lets you get everything you need and focus on the good stuff!
What you want, will do, and won’t do can change. That’s totally okay! Making a new list can help you see how you’re changing. It can even help adjust to life changes like transitioning, a pregnancy scare, or dating a new partner.
What does a want/will/won’t list look like?
- Cuddle naked
- Give and get oral sex
- Have anal sex if we use a condom
- Use sex toys with a condom
- Party n’ Play
- Have anal sex without a condom
- Call my parts words I haven’t approved
Lists tend to be a lot longer. But this is a good start!
How do I make a want/will/won’t list?
Lots of people use these lists to talk about sex and intimacy. But you can make want/will/won’t lists for just about anything! It can even help to start with something less vulnerable, like eating certain foods!
You can start with things you know you really want or don’t want! You can also think about what you’ve done and whether you’d want to do it again.
For things you haven’t done, you can go with your gut. If that’s hard, you can tune into different parts of your body. Are there butterflies in your stomach? A knot in your gut? Things like these can help you find what you’re into or not!
It’s totally fine to see where your brain takes you and bounce around your list. If you like things organized, you can also try going alphabetically or finding a checklist online!
What do you mean by will do?
“Will do” doesn’t mean what you’re willing to do for a partner. It’s about things you really want to do in specific situations. Like the rest of a want/will/won’t list, thinking of will dos can help you understand your wants and limits!
Will dos can be things like…
- What you’d like to do with certain people, like long-term partners
- What you’d love doing as long as it’s with a safer sex tool. Like oral sex with a dental dam.
- What you really want to try, but you’re not sure you’ll love.
How can I use it as a consent tool?
There are a lot of ways to use will/want/won’t lists. Some people just want to know what they’re into. Others want to exchange lists with their partners. That can help them find things that they both want to do. The consent tool can also help you start talking about what everyone needs to feel safe and comfortable.
Want/will/won’t lists also aren’t a contract! You can change your mind any time. That includes after you started doing something. Consent tools don’t change anything about consent in the moment. Consent is always about finding sex that everyone’s really into!