FAQ

Consent: Finding Sex Everyone’s Excited About

FAQ

Consent: Finding Sex Everyone’s Excited About

Consent is when someone clearly and excitedly agrees to something before they do it and while it’s happening. Part of consent is checking in when you’re doing something. That lets you make sure everyone’s comfortable! When someone is too drunk or high, being pressured, or they’re not sure, they can’t give consent to sex. Someone also may not be able to give consent to sex when they’re underage. A big part of consent is talking about what you’re comfortable with and excited about! If someone asks if they can kiss you, and you feel excited to kiss them, you can consent by saying ‘yes!’

Consent is all about talking to each other. Someone can change their mind in the middle of something, so it helps to check in and keep talking! It’s also important to know that consenting to one thing doesn’t mean you consent to other things. So if someone agrees to kiss you, that doesn’t mean they agree to take their clothes off.

Having good consent practices can be a great way of getting to know your partners! You learn more about them and what they like by talking about it!

What consent means

For a person to consent to something, they have to be able to freely say yes or no. That means they aren’t being pressured to say yes. If someone says yes because they’re afraid of what would happen if they said no, that’s not consent. It’s never okay to push, force, or trick someone someone into saying yes to something they don’t really want to do.

Consent also means the person saying yes has to be sober. But that doesn’t mean you can’t combine sex with drug or alcohol use! If you or your partners plan on using drugs or alcohol, it helps to talk about what you’re comfortable with before you use. If someone is passed out or they’re so drunk or high that they’re not not acting like themselves, they can’t consent to anything sexual.

It’s important to know that consent is ongoing. That means that someone can always change their mind in the middle of something. It’s completely okay to say you don’t like something or you want to stop, even if you said yes before! To make sure your partner is still into something, you can ask things like “do you like it when I do this” or “does this feel good?”

What does consent look or sound like?

Consent should be as clear as possible. This means someone should say yes or ask for something out loud and excitedly. Consent can look like someone…

  • Saying “yes!” enthusiastically when asked if they want to do something
  • Actively participating in or taking the lead in sexual activities
  • Telling their partner what they want
  • Saying things like “that feels amazing!” or “please do that again!”
  • Feeling comfortable, excited, and turned on by what’s happening

Anything that isn’t a clear, excited yes is not consent. That means people aren’t consenting when they’re…

  • Shaking their head
  • Pulling away
  • Saying I’m “not sure,” “not now,” or “maybe”
  • Saying “okay” or “yes” unexcitedly
  • Feeling stressed out, distracted, or like they want things to stop

If you’re not sure how your partner feels, it can help to ask! It never hurts to check in with your partners and ask again. This makes sure you both like what you’re doing!

There’s nothing wrong with saying yes or no to anything a partner asks. You don’t need a reason to say no. You shouldn’t have to explain why you don’t want to do something. You also don’t have to justify wanting to do something with someone who also gives consent! It’s not ok for someone to make you feel ashamed or guilty for saying what you want or don’t want.

What if someone can’t speak?

Not everyone can verbally say yes or no all the time. Some people may have disabilities that affect their speech. Someone might use a gag that stops them from talking.

As long as everyone can understand each other, you can have consent in situations like these. Some people use hand signs like a thumbs up. People can also express themselves with very clear body language like nodding their head.

If one or both of you doesn’t know sign language, it helps to choose signals for certain words before you start. Some important words could be: stop, keep going, and slow down. Signals make sure everyone can say how they feel!

Talking about consent with your partners

Some people have trouble talking about consent with their partners. They might worry about ruining the mood or making things complicated. But consent is really important and it can make sex better and more fun for everyone!

Talking about what you like and don’t like with your partners can also be a great way to find new things to try that you’re both excited about! It can help you feel closer to each other and make sure everyone feels respected.

More info

Sexual Assault – Sex & U

Information about sexual assault, what to do if you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, and how to look after your safety while using…

Consent is Sexy

Scarleteen’s post about consent and why it’s important to talk about it.–

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