BDSM stands for bondage, domination, sadism and masochism. A lot of different things can be part of BDSM. Some people like tying someone up, spanking someone, or playing with power dynamics. Some BDSM practices can be risky or intense, so consent is important.
Many people who practice BDSM say consent is the most important part! Talking about people’s boundaries and comfort levels is a necessary part of doing kinky things in a safe way.
What’s informed consent?
Informed consent is when people learn and talk about what they want to do before they do it. Some people who like BDSM call this a negotiation.
An important part of informed consent is making sure everyone understands the risks and they agree to what will happen. For example, if someone wants to be tied up, they could go over how they want it to happen, what they want to be tied up with, for how long, and what to do if something goes wrong. This helps everyone feel comfortable and safe!
Informed consent is especially important in BDSM because some things can be riskier. People can get physically or emotionally hurt if everyone isn’t careful. Informed consent makes sure that everyone knows what will happen, the risks, and they’re excited!
What’s a safeword?
A safeword is a word, a few words, or a signal that communicates how someone’s feeling and whether a boundary was crossed. Some people have a few safewords that mean stop, slow down, or keep going.
Sometimes in BDSM, people don’t want to stop when they say no. For example, they might be role-playing a scene, and saying “no” because they’re staying in character. Instead, they can use safewords to tell their partners how they’re feeling. If you or your partners want to try a safeword, it’s important to talk about it before sex. That lets you make sure everyone knows the safeword and will respect it.
People agree on their safewords before they start anything kinky or sexual. A lot of people use the traffic light system:
- Red means stop
- Yellow means slow down
- Green means keep going
If someone is wearing a gag or they can’t talk, they can come up with signals like a thumbs up or down. That way, they can still consent and say how they’re feeling.
Different models of consent in BDSM
There are two main schools of thought about consent in the BDSM community. These ideas aren’t mutually exclusive. That means a lot of people who do BDSM mix both of these ideas!
Safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) focuses on making everything about a scene as safe as possible. That means making sure that everyone involved is in a good mental state. SSC usually discourages people from practicing BDSM when they’re drunk or high, or if they’re not emotionally stable. This is meant to lower the risk that someone might feel pressured to engage in BDSM, or do something they’re not ready for.
Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) states that it can be impossible to make some types of BDSM completely “safe”. It emphasizes education, so that people know all the potential risks before consenting to something. Once someone has all the information they need, they can consent to whatever they want to try, even if someone else might think it’s too dangerous.
Whatever model of consent someone prefers, it’s never okay to pressure someone into sex. That includes BDSM! While lots of people like BDSM, lots of people don’t, and that’s okay.
