Some people with a penis or strapless don’t get full erections. They stay partially or fully soft even if they’re aroused and ready for sex. There are lots of reasons why this might happen! For some, it can be a sign of a medical or emotional issue. But it’s also very common for people who get estrogen-based HRT or an orchiectomy.
In this article, we’re going to talk about ways to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life when you or your partner doesn’t get hard. If you or your partner can’t get hard and you’re not sure why, or it’s causing discomfort or distress, you can talk to a doctor about it!
What’s the difference between sex when you’re hard and sex when you’re not?
If someone’s penis is soft, it may not be able to penetrate someone else’s anus, vagina, or front hole. That’s it! Sometimes, people assume that someone can’t have sex at all if they can’t get hard. But that’s not true! A penis or strapless can still orgasm, ejaculate, and feel pleasure while soft. People can stimulate it with their hands, tongue, lips, breasts, thighs, or by rubbing it against parts of their body. Many people find that the tip, or glans, of the penis is especially sensitive, whether it’s hard or not.
If someone can’t get hard, can they get someone pregnant? What about STIs?
Yes, there can be a risk for pregnancy even if someone can’t get hard. That’s because someone who can’t get hard can still make sperm and ejaculate. For pregnancy to happen, fresh sperm needs to go directly into or on someone’s vagina or vulva. If that happens, there’s a chance of pregnancy! Even precum can have sperm in it from past ejaculations.
This is true even when someone is on HRT. HRT doesn’t act as birth control!
People can also give and get STIs when they or their partner can’t get hard. STIs, or sexually transmitted and blood-borne infections, can pass from one person to another through bodily fluids or skin-to-skin contact.
Barriers like condoms or dental dams can lower the risk for pregnancy and STIs. You might find it a bit more difficult to get a condom on the first few times, but a soft penis can still wear one. Slim fit condoms or internal condoms can be a good option if regular ones are too loose. You can also use a large dental dam to cover the genitals, and lick over it like you would with someone who has a vulva!
What are some ways to have sex when someone can’t get hard?
There are lots of ways to have sex when someone can’t get fully hard! Your partner might already know what they like to do during sex, or they might still be figuring it out. Either way, it’s important to talk about what kinds of sex you both like or don’t like, and how to be safe doing it! Some things you could do might include:
- Kissing, making out, cuddling, and caressing each other
- Masturbating with each other to show each other what feels good for you
- Sending each other sexy messages
- Frotting or dry humping
- Manual sex, also called hand sex, hand jobs, or fingering
- Oral sex
- Muffing
- Using sex toys like dildos, vibrators, or anal toys
All the same parts that feel good on most people also feel good to someone with a soft penis: erogenous zones such as the inner thighs, neck, nipples, chest, lips, and butt. A lot of people with prostates find that their perineum, the part of the body between the genitals and the anus, feels good when pressed on. It can also be a good place to use a vibrator!
You can talk to each other about what feels good and what you’re excited to try. This can be a fun way to get creative, explore sexually, and get excited about whatever you decide to do!
Wait, is all that still sex?
Yep! Sex doesn’t have to involve anal or vaginal penetration. In fact, it doesn’t have to involve a penis or strapless directly at all, even if you have one!
Sometimes, people can have specific ideas about what sex “should” look or feel like. But everyone is different, and everyone gets to decide what sex looks and feels like for them! When it comes to defining what sex is, the most important thing is that everyone involved feels good about it, no matter what sex acts they end up doing!
Talking about safer sex
Knowing how to have safer sex is important, but talking about it with your sex partner(s) is important too. Before having sex with someone new, you can talk about how you plan to reduce risk, what barrier methods you’ll use to prevent STIs, and what you plan to do in the case of an accidental pregnancy. You can get tested regularly for STIs, and ask any partners to do the same.
Talking to your partner can also help you both feel emotionally safe. Someone people may have complicated feelings about their genitals. They might like or not like being touched in certain ways, or want to use or not use certain words to talk about their body parts. It’s important to check in on what your partner wants and feels good about! Some ways you can do this are:
- Asking what feels good and where they want you to touch them
- Asking what doesn’t feel good and where they’d rather you didn’t touch them
- Talking about what words you’re both comfortable or not comfortable with
- Using a safe word or other system to signal to each other if one of you wants to slow down or take a break
- Being vocal about your own needs and wants, too!
In the end, the basics of safe sex are pretty much the same, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. Using a barrier, like dental dams and condoms, prevents direct contact between one person’s fluids and the inside of another person’s body. Condoms can lower the risk for pregnancy. Using two or more methods of birth control, like condoms and the pill, is even more effective!
If my partner can’t get hard, does it mean they’re not into me?
Not getting hard doesn’t mean someone isn’t into you. Some people just can’t get hard, even if they’re super into their partner and ready to have sex! Others might need time to warm up to it by taking time for foreplay, like kissing or oral sex, before they get hard.
There’s no reason to assume that someone without an erection who says they’re excited for sex actually isn’t excited — just like there’s no reason to assume that someone wants sex just because they’re hard. Consent is mandatory for sex; an erection isn’t!
