If you ask someone to have sex with you, it’s important to be very clear!
That means you need to have a specific idea of what you’re interested in. Since it can be a tough conversation, it helps to choose a place that feels safe for everyone. Then you can ask in a way that doesn’t put pressure on someone. It helps to be ready for any answer they might give!
Before asking the other person
Figuring out what kinds of sex you want to have and what relationship you’d prefer can help you ask for them clearly! You can ask yourself:
- Is it important for you to have a romantic relationship with someone before you have sex with them?
- Would you prefer casual sex with no strings attached, or something more long-term?
- What types of sex would you enjoy? What kinds are you not comfortable with?
- Do you know the risks for the kinds of sex you want, and how to lower them? Are you comfortable with these risks?
Asking these and other questions can help you figure out what you want and make it easier to talk to a partner about it!
Finding a quiet, comfortable place
When you’re ready to ask the person you’re interested in, it can help to choose a place where you both feel comfortable and safe.
Many people feel the safest in places where they can leave easily, like a park or coffee place. Some people also like quiet places where people won’t overhear.
Being clear when you ask someone to have sex
If you’re clear about what you want, the person you’re interested in can make an informed decision about whether they want the same thing.
Some people prefer talking about what they’re interested in doing instead of what they’d like from someone. This can help the other person not feel pressured.
If you ask someone to have sex, they might need time to think about it. It’s important to give them that time. This way, if they say yes, you can be more sure that they chose what’s right for them!
What the other person might say
Your potential partner might want the kind of sex you do, not want that, or be open to talking about it. Ultimately, it’s their choice, and it’s important to respect that. If they say no, it’s important to respect that. Bringing it up again might feel unsafe for them, so it’s best to leave it there and not ask again.
A potential partner might suggest other kinds of sex that they’re interested in. They might only want what you’re into in certain cases, like if you make it safer. You can decide if you’re interested in what they are! You can also say no if you’re not. Remember that they need to respect your choices too!
What if they say no?
Some people can feel awkward if someone isn’t interested. It’s important not to make someone feel bad or ashamed for their choice. If the person you’ve asked says no, there are many other ways to explore the kinds of sex you want. You can try masturbating, trying new sex toys, or fantasizing. You can also try to find a different partner who wants the same kinds of sex you do!
It can be hard when someone you’re interested in doesn’t feel the same way. But there are many other ways of enjoying yourself!
Navigating Consent – Heart Your Parts
Heart your parts describes what consent is, why it’s important, and examples for how to practice consent.
How to get the sex you want – Sexplanations [VIDEO]
Youtube video from the channel “Sexplanations.” Short and sweet, this video is under 5 minutes long and features the channel’s host, Lindsey, talking about making and putting into practice your very own want/will/won’t list.
Talking about Sex without Pressuring Someone – Scarleteen
This answer to someone’s question gives some helpful suggestion like thinking about the many kinds of sex, asking about safer sex, and being open to someone wanting the same kinds of sex you do!